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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25822852">you're a monster. but so am i— which is why i cant turn away from you.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/6spicy6satan6/pseuds/6spicy6satan6'>6spicy6satan6</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Persona 5, Persona 5 Royal, Persona 5: The Royal - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(kinda), Aged-Up Character(s), Akechi Goro Has A Palace, Akechi Goro Lives, Angst, Background Relationships, Canon-Typical Violence, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), NONE OF THE PHANTOM THIEVES ARE STRAIGHT!!!!!, Persona 5 Protagonist Has A Palace, Persona 5 Spoilers, Persona 5: The Royal Spoilers, Post-Canon, Post-Persona 5, Slow Burn, THIS FIC IS BASED ON BUFFKECHI FANART BT GORONETFLIX LOL, Time Skips, akechi and ren need to just talk about their feelings for once, can i even write smut?, each p5 chara comes up in one way or the other, fuck u i will make jokes, i swear that makes sense for fic spoiler reasons, just dont read this if you haven't played the goddamn game, men are fragile... and i will write them as such, mild tonal inconsistency, no the time skip isnt an excuse to write smut it's only for plot reasons, yes akechi gets lowkey buff in the time skip, you cant stop me</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:08:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,913</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25822852</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/6spicy6satan6/pseuds/6spicy6satan6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"A world once so rich in its intricacies is dull. It’s been shaved down to its barest bones, a silhouette of what it once was.<br/>In the first few days, it quickly became apparent that this was just the world without Goro Akechi in it.<br/>In the first few weeks, it quickly became apparent this was just going to be the world for good."</p>
<p>— </p>
<p>Or,<br/>what happens when Ren finds Goro Akechi after 5 years of believing he was dead?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you're a monster. but so am i— which is why i cant turn away from you.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After a rather gratuitous trip back to the quaint, suburban-almost-urban home (that’s <em> not </em> tiny, thank you), Ren Amamiya is... tired. He can feel the dragging ache of gravity in his limbs, his bones, as he walks up to the doorway. He’s there at about sunset. When it’s almost completely dark, but not yet. When the sun is fighting to keep itself up, straggling down the horizon. Perhaps he’s so tired because of some sort of withdrawal symptom, like he’s been conditioned by the vast cityscapes of Shibuya, or the comforting musk of nostalgia and coffee of Leblanc. It’s ironic, really. During the early nights in a dust-ridden attic, he’d long to be back here. Suddenly, his home doesn’t feel like ‘home’ anymore. Now it felt empty. From the small yet well-lit entryway, that leads to the double-upped kitchen and living room, to the side steps leading to bedrooms. </p>
<p>Ren takes off his shoes and leaves them at the entryway (to not is barbaric). He moves (rather slowly, purely for dramatics) up the small hallway, observing the usual decor; nothing big, mostly just family photos or memories. </p>
<p>Once in the living room-kitchen combo, it’s like nothing changed. His dad’s at the tiny square dining table, reading a newspaper and his mom’s cooking dinner. It’s no different from coming home from school. </p>
<p>His dad takes a small glimpse up from his paper. “Oh, you’re back.” </p>
<p>Then, his mother slightly turns from the meal she’s preparing. “Ah, Amamiya! We’re having some oyakodon tonight.” </p>
<p>Ren has to take a moment just to take that small interaction in. It’s offensive how casual everything is. Nothing at all to acknowledge that he’s been gone for a <em> year.  </em></p>
<p>Logically, and quite honestly, this makes sense considering he didn’t get a single call from them. Ever. But you know how it is. You’d make excuses. You’d think to yourself, ‘well, maybe they forgot, maybe they’re still thinking about me, maybe they’re doing some reverse psychology bullshit where they pretend like they don't care so you know that they really do care’. Maybe you wouldn’t think that, but it’s definitely what Ren thought. More than anything, the nonchalant responses make him think that he’s done some weird drugs and straight-up hallucinated the past year— but then he feels the familiar shuffling of Morgana in his bag. Who knows, maybe he handled Akechi so well because he had to deal with his own family’s passive-aggressive bullshit for so long. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s bizarre to Ren, to be back in his room. The attic wasn’t exactly luxurious (quite the opposite. He swears that he was pulling splinters out of his ass for at least a week. Neither the sofa nor mattress had been cleaned and obviously was just… there, before he arrived. It doesn't help that his mattress was propped up on milk bottle cartons) but even then, it grew on him. </p>
<p>Ren places his bag on the desk in his room’s left corner. Across from it was his bed, and in between the two was a window. It’s a relatively small room, which isn’t too out of the norm. </p>
<p>He unzips his bag, and Morgana immediately pops his head out. </p>
<p>“You couldn’t have unzipped the bag a little?! I felt like I was gonna die from suffocation in there!” </p>
<p>Ren considers rolling his eyes at the cat. It definitely couldn't be that bad. “Be quiet, Mona. If my parents saw that I have a cat all of a sudden, they’d freak. They’d, I don’t know, think I got you in some delinquent business or something.”</p>
<p>Morgana tries to pull a face to the best of his extent. A real cat face is <em> much </em> harder to move around than the weird cartoon look he dawned in the Metaverse. “That’s… just kinda stupid.”</p>
<p>Ren fights the urge to tell Morgana ‘that’s obvious’.</p>
<p>“And I just got off probation, with the pure luck of being able to have <em> assault </em> charges wiped off my record. And people remember that kind of thing.”</p>
<p>Morgana pauses. He doesn’t seem to know what to say to it.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know.” He pulls together a sympathetic yet cheerful tone. “It could be worse.”</p>
<p>Ren rubs the back of his neck; a surprisingly common habit of his. “I guess.”</p>
<p>Morgana just shoots right back up. “Besides, I’m extra curious about more of our leader’s mysterious past!”</p>
<p>Ren chuckles slightly. “You’re gonna be disappointed.”</p>
<p>“Oh, I doubt that. You’re—“</p>
<p>Suddenly, the bedroom door opens, changing both Ren’s and Morgana's full attention to the doorway.</p>
<p>“I see you’re back.” A new, third voice juts in. </p>
<p>A girl, about 14, stands in the doorway. She has the same ruffled black hair as one Ren Amamiya; except her hair cascades down to about the waist area. She’s an almost spitting image of Ren— if he was several years younger and a female. Ren gives a small smile.</p>
<p>“Hmm… no, I’m not.”</p>
<p>“Yes, you are.”</p>
<p>Ren rests his head in his hand, confidently. “Oh yeah? How do you know I’m not a hologram?”</p>
<p>“Because that’s stupid and you know it.”</p>
<p>“If Miku can do it, so can I.” Ren says with a smile.</p>
<p>“You <em> wish </em> you were Miku.”</p>
<p>“Who <em> wouldn’t?” </em></p>
<p>The girl rolls her eyes, crosses her arms and walks into Ren’s room with no particular direction. “Anyways, if you’ll stop being dumb, will you tell me the <em> awesome </em> delinquent adventures you’ve had for the past year?” She says with a heavy air of sarcasm. </p>
<p>“You’re going to worry me with how you’re describing delinquents. As the oldest, and therefore more elite sibling, I am obligated to be concerned.” </p>
<p>“As if you’re the elite sibling, let alone an upstanding citizen.” She deadpans.</p>
<p>Ren chuckles. “Alright, alright. So, my ‘awesome delinquent adventures’, huh? … hm… I made some friends.”</p>
<p>“Wait, you have friends?” </p>
<p>“Ha-ha. Hilarious.”</p>
<p>“Who said I was kidding?” She said with a smirk. </p>
<p>“I do because you’ll hurt your dear brother’s feelings, Kaede.”</p>
<p>“Good.”</p>
<p>Ren shoots a dirty look, that’s obviously not serious and greatly exaggerated. “I do have friends, though. Dare I say it,” Ren purposely pauses, for dramatic effect; “they’re not bad at all.”</p>
<p>“You lie.”</p>
<p>“What makes me think that I, the most trustworthy person to exist ever, would lie? And to my beloved little sister nonetheless... You think so low of me.”</p>
<p>“Exactly.”</p>
<p>“Well, I’m about to make you eat your words, you piece of burnt toast.”</p>
<p>Ren pulls up a photo of him and the entire Phantom Thieves on Christmas Eve.</p>
<p>“Who knew, people actually hang out with you voluntarily.”</p>
<p>Kaede looks over the photo briefly. “That blond boy looks like trouble.”</p>
<p>“I’ll have you know, Ryuji is a very respectful and upstanding citizen.”</p>
<p>“Doubt it.”</p>
<p>“Fine. Go through my camera roll, I have plenty of good girls and boys as my pals.”</p>
<p>“You’re gonna regret this.”</p>
<p>“Unlike you, I trust my sibling.”<br/>“You have greatly misplaced your trust, good sir.”</p>
<p>Ren’s little sister, Kaede, starts to scroll through his camera roll; murmuring comments about the Phantom Thieves under her breath. </p>
<p>“She looks uptight, is that a sheep, delinquent boy again, is that girl foreign?...”</p>
<p>She goes quiet for a moment while looking through. Ren gets the tiniest bit bored. And then;</p>
<p>“... WAIT, REN!”</p>
<p>This actually makes Ren <em> jolt. </em>That’s how loud that was.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Why did you not mention <em> at all </em> that you’re friends with THE Goro Akechi? Is this <em> serious? Is this for real??? </em> These aren’t just from like a coincidental meet or something right?”</p>
<p>Ren recalls the several photos he has of Akechi. There are actually <em> more </em>photos of Akechi than the rest of his friends. Just ones he’d take when he dropped into Leblanc, or when they went out somewhere in Kichijoji together. Some were selfies (that Ren purposely did unexpectedly, just so Akechi didn’t have time to pose or look perfect), some were nice candid shots, and some were mildly cursed, for a lack of a better word. </p>
<p>Ren didn’t really like or want people seeing the photos. It was a fun thing he’d pull with Akechi, for the sake of it. Something that only they’d really do, at least enough to the point it was a <em> thing. </em> </p>
<p>(One time, Akechi straight up pulled an UNO reverse card and took an embarrassing photo of Ren. Followed by a rather nice candid shot, but that doesn’t matter when the Detective Prince himself starts to have a sense of humour.) </p>
<p>Honestly, Ren didn’t know what he was expecting. Anyone would take note of him hanging around a straight-up celebrity, but his sister just happened to be a huge fan of the ‘Prince Detective’ since his first few television appearances. </p>
<p>“Uh… Yeah, I guess.”</p>
<p>“This has to be a joke! My brother got to hang out with Goro Akechi?! What was he like? Was he as amazing as he is on TV?”</p>
<p>Ren gives a slight smile at that. He doesn’t know if knowing Akechi makes that funny because of some sick joke or because it’s comforting. Comforting to know who Akechi was. </p>
<p>“I don’t mean to disappoint you, but he was— is… very different from what he’s like on the TV.”</p>
<p>Kaede seems to deflate. “Wait, really?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” </p>
<p>Ren pauses.</p>
<p>“Real bastard in reality.” Ren says, humorously. </p>
<p>“As if! You’re just saying that to be mean!”</p>
<p>Ren raises an eyebrow. “I’m really not.” </p>
<p>Kaede huffs and seems to try to think of something else. It’s quiet and mostly awkward as the two bask in the silence for a moment. </p>
<p>“Uh, I actually wanted to come in here and tell you that I’m really sorry I couldn’t call you. You know how mom and dad are.”</p>
<p>“No phone until you’re 15.” Said the two simultaneously, completely deadpan, almost disappointed. </p>
<p>“I totally would’ve checked up on you and stuff! Mom and dad, they— they also just… didn’t want me to call you. They, like, banned me.”</p>
<p>“What, because I’m a bad influence?”</p>
<p>Kaede shrugs and goes to plop down to sit on Ren’s bed. “I guess. It just sucks. It just… must’ve been really bad for you.”</p>
<p>“Well, wasn’t that—“</p>
<p>“Is that a<em> cat?! </em>In your bag?” Kaede said suddenly, leaping up from the bed and seemingly forgetting about the conversation she was having.</p>
<p>“Uh. Yeah”</p>
<p>“It’s so cute!”</p>
<p>Kaede goes to pat Morgana. </p>
<p>“No, no, no, no, no, no don’t you dare you—!”</p>
<p>Too late. </p>
<p>Morgana should feel fortunate that Kaede’s more gentle and reasonable when it comes to petting compared to Futaba.</p>
<p>Kaede turns her head to Ren. “What’s its name?”</p>
<p>“Hey, I’m a he, by the way!” Morgana tries to protest, somehow forgetting that normal people can’t hear him.</p>
<p>“Morgana.”</p>
<p>“That’s… a weird name.”</p>
<p>Ren shrugs. </p>
<p>“It’s not weird at all!” Morgana tried to yelp.</p>
<p>Kaede furrows her brows slightly. “It meows a lot.”</p>
<p>Ren smirks, crosses his arms and legs, and turns his face towards Morgana. “I know. I swear I can almost understand him, hear him <em>talk</em> even.”</p>
<p>Morgana seems genuinely betrayed. “Wow.”</p>
<p>“You’re gonna need to hide him from Mom and Dad, though. At least for a few weeks.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know.” </p>
<p>Kaede seems to go silent for a while.</p>
<p>“I am glad that you’re back home, though.”</p>
<p>“Really?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. ...The air’s been too clean without you stinking up the entire place.”</p>
<p>Ren makes a mental note about how she sounds like a comically ‘mean’ sibling in some American TV show for children, like Disney channel. Perhaps Nickelodeon. Ann had a fascination about all the clips she could find online. “I feel so loved.”</p>
<p>“Shut up, it’s a joke.”</p>
<p>Ren just chuckles. “I know?”</p>
<p>“Ah. Right.” </p>
<p>Kaede looks off for a second.</p>
<p>“See you at dinner, Ren.”</p>
<p>“Yup.”</p>
<p>Kaede leaves Ren’s room.</p>
<p>Morgana takes a second to almost examine Ren. “Well, now I know why you deal with Futaba so well.”</p>
<p>Ren rolls his eyes at that one. “Very funny, Mona.”</p>
<p>If Morgana was still this weird cartoon thing in his head, Ren knows that he'd be doing his concerned-furrowed-eyebrows face. Wait, do cats even have eyebrows? Did cartoon Morgana have <em> eyebrows? </em>“How come you never mentioned you have a sister?”</p>
<p>Ren bites back any meaningful or genuine response. “... It never came up.”</p>
<p>Immediately, Morgana seems to switch to this— ‘concern mode’. “Really? I feel like there had been plenty of times where it could.”</p>
<p>“Eh, nobody asked, so I never mentioned it.” </p>
<p>Ren spoke nonchalantly. Right now, the last thing he wants is to get interrogated. </p>
<p>Morgana goes silent. Presumably, he’s thinking about how to reply. </p>
<p>“Alright, then.”</p>
<p>Ren is slightly surprised when Morgana doesn’t push any further; he isn’t known for standing down. </p>
<p>That doesn’t really concern Ren right now. More than anything, Ren is busy wishing that his sister didn’t see those photos of Akechi— let alone bring him up. It was sort of inevitable, in this unfortunate way, and maybe he should just blame himself for letting her go through his phone’s camera roll. It somehow felt like a breach of privacy. Albeit, one he completely enabled. Calling it a breach of privacy didn’t seem completely right. Mostly because it assumes that whatever he had with Akechi was special. Ren doesn’t like making assumptions. Maybe it was invasive because of the weight the photos hold now.</p>
<p>Ever since the third, about fourth of February, things were… Well, it started out terribly. Of course, there was going to Juvie. But that was nothing compared to losing Akechi. Akechi, his rival, maybe even his friend. If that title can remotely encapsulate the wildfire that was Goro Akechi. Ren doesn’t think there’s a singular word that could ever accurately describe Akechi, let alone their ‘relationship’. To try to do so was foolish and redundant. </p>
<p>All Ren knows is that he misses him. From the meticulous and minuscule ways his face would change, how that could indicate how he truly feels, the carefully thought out words he could select on the spot as second nature, to the occasional times when Ren could see the hint of a much darker hair colour if he looked at his roots. Everything about Akechi was on a constant replay in his mind. Like he was trapped in this cinema, of sorts; and it only plays back his memories. Sometimes he’ll be able to leave, but then he sees something (usually something around heroism, or perhaps a toy gun, one time it was an advertisement for the most recent Star Wars film) that sends him right back. Even non-specific things, things completely unrelated to Akechi could make Ren think of him. It’s bizarre. It’s in this weird place where both everything and nothing can remind him of Akechi. He’s in everything, and there’s nothing Ren can do about it. He sees Akechi in everything, and when he can’t see him, he’ll look for him. It’s become some weird, masochistic tendency. Perhaps it’s a need. Maybe Ren knows it’s all he can do if they’ll never meet again. </p>
<p><br/>-<br/><br/></p>
<p>Dinner with his family is comfortably awkward. </p>
<p>It’s not something he didn’t expect, and if anything, it’s less awkward than he imagined. His parents are carefully ignoring him. Not completely, of course, but the message is clear. They’re more concerned with his sister. At the very least, they’re pretending they are. It’s surface-level. Things about school, her friends, so on. They’re questions that she could answer in her sleep. Painfully casual and friendly.<br/>Kaede switches to a much more playful tone.</p>
<p>“Mom, guess what I found out earlier.”</p>
<p>Their Mom just chuckles and asks her ‘what’.</p>
<p>“Amamiya-kun,” she points at Ren, “He became friends with <em> Goro Akechi </em>.”</p>
<p>“Huh? The boy on TV?”</p>
<p>Ren can feel his soul exit his body.</p>
<p>Suddenly, his parents want to genuinely talk to him. This immediately piped up his Mother.</p>
<p>“I wonder how you pulled that off, son, he seems like such a nice boy.”</p>
<p>Holding back laughter, Ren says, “My school had a field trip at a TV studio. I answered a question on air, and I interested him.”</p>
<p>His dad scoffs. “That’s it?”</p>
<p>“I guess. He walked up to me after and got my details.”</p>
<p>His father seems to find this particularly amusing. He doesn’t laugh, but he scoffs with a smirk and you know he’s making all sorts of assumptions in his mind. Ren’s Mom looks at his dad like she’s about to kick him under the table, and goes back to Ren.</p>
<p>“Say, I haven’t seen anything new from him on the television lately. Just some reruns… what’s that about?”</p>
<p>Ren can feel the kick, the churn in his stomach.</p>
<p>He hates it. The unfairness, the memories, the tragedy of Goro Akechi. It’s the regrets, all of the little things that he wanted to say and do, that is why he hates it. <em>What if I realised his plan just a little sooner? What if I told him</em> <em>how much he meant to me before it was too late? What if I wasn’t scared?</em></p>
<p><em> That </em>, that is what he hates. The ‘what if’s. The concept that things could be different, that is what kills him. </p>
<p>In all of the realities, all of the universes and possibilities, he gets to live in the one that’s haunted by throned skeletons of past, torn down and crushed by the pursuit of justice. </p>
<p>He realises he’s just staring back at his Mom, mildly concerning her, and he replies.</p>
<p>“Oh, uh… he’s just taking a break right now. He wants some time to himself because high school graduation and college is coming up for him.”</p>
<p>It’s a clean lie, and Ren’s a good actor. He’s learnt from the best.</p>
<p>“Ah, I see… that’s a very reasonable decision for him to make, I’m sure it’s so hard to balance school, work <em> and </em> television appearances.”</p>
<p>“And yet he found the time to fit in our son, somehow.”</p>
<p>Ren’s Mom actually kicks his dad under the table this time.</p>
<p>“A boy can have friends!”</p>
<p>“I know, I know, I’m just commenting.” His dad spoke defensively.</p>
<p>His Mom gives out an exasperated sigh, and goes back to talking to Ren. “It <em> is </em> good to know you have such a respectable boy as a friend, son.”<br/>Ren just hums affirmatively in response.</p>
<p><br/>-</p>
<p><br/>Sometimes Ren completely blanks out. His eyes, his brain will refuse to notice things. When they do, it’s nothing but this blocky and abstract version of true reality. Ren Amamiya may have returned to his reality, but he can’t experience it the same. All it ends up boiling down to is proof, absolute solid evidence that the world as we know it is feeble. It is the construction of our own perception, of cognition, that keeps anything the way it is. Once that is challenged, taken away, distorted, that's when the world becomes horrid. A world once so rich in its intricacies is dull. It’s been shaved down to its barest bones, a silhouette of what it once was. </p>
<p>In the first few days, it quickly became apparent that this was just the world without Goro Akechi in it. </p>
<p>In the first few weeks, it quickly became apparent this was just going to be the world; if not for forever, it’d be for this sprawling, terrifyingly unknown amount of time. Limited, but barely so. </p>
<p>Ren barely knows why this hurts as much as it does. </p>
<p>But that’s kind of a lie, isn’t it? There’s this part of him, large or not, that knows exactly why it hurts. </p>
<p>Simply, it’s love. After everything, how could it be anything but love? Even when Ren doesn’t think it’s possible, even when he thinks he doesn’t know ‘love’; what else could it be? Ren knows it is love, even if he doesn’t believe it could be, because knowing isn’t the same as believing.</p>
<p>Part of Ren likes to completely acknowledge this; sometimes he used to revel in it. What can he say, a crush is a nice feeling. He finds himself doing it less after everything. </p>
<p>There’s another part that just likes to let it sit there on the back burner of his mind, unassuming. But it always claws its way back to his consciousness. Always. Even if he prefers to keep it away, out of some avoidance of even more pain. </p>
<p>Ren knows that if any of the Phantom Thieves found out he had (has?) a crush on Akechi, or he told them, they wouldn’t get it. He doesn’t really blame them for that. </p>
<p>Something that Ren knows for a fact is that he’ll never tell any of them about it. Well, maybe in the far future when he’s finally over everything that happened in the past year, but until then? Nothing. It’s just… God, imagine how awkward that’d be. ‘Hey guys! I got some <em> juicy </em> gossip for you all… there’s this guy who I have the <em> major </em> hots for. You’ll never guess who. It’s the dead guy, who’s a <em> murderer! </em> Who killed two moms and (technically) a sister of people in this friend group! Yes, that is the <em> absolute hottie </em> I wish I still had any chance with! Oh, how I lament that I never got to tap that ass! Goodbye!’. </p>
<p>He supposes that would be funny. </p>
<p>But he knows it wouldn’t go that way. He knows that he would have to explain <em> why </em> . Just <em> why </em>it was Akechi, of all people. </p>
<p>He may know why, but he doesn’t know if his friends would get it.</p>
<p>Akechi was one of the few people who treated Ren like a person. Not a solution to his problems, not a mirror, just another person who was worthy of his respect. To Akechi, Ren wasn’t a delinquent. He wasn’t a leader, he wasn’t a brother, he wasn’t a son. He wasn’t a friend, he wasn’t an enemy, he wasn’t a rival. He was Ren. In some capacity, he is all of those things and none of them. And Akechi knew that, because Akechi was also everything and nothing. They were smoke; a mere side effect of being ‘wildcards’.<br/>Both of these boys, men, they had clawed at each other. Writhing, sifting through another’s skin and bones just to dig deeper. <em> What are you thinking? What are you going to say? What will you do? </em> In the end, all they found was this; at their deepest differences, that’s where their similarities were. And then, at the core of it all, they finally found it. Understanding.</p>
<p>Would his friends understand that?</p>
<p>Ren knows he only got to see a slither of who Goro Akechi fully is. He knows he might never see all of him, even if they meet again. Akechi wasn’t exactly what Ren, or anyone else saw of him. He wasn’t the Detective Prince, he wasn’t the absolute rabid Black Mask. As much as he likes to believe that who he saw in the third semester was the ‘real’ him, he can’t be sure. He can never be sure. Not just because of Akechi’s nature, but because of the situation. Was the Akechi there just a cognitive simulation of who he thought he was? Was it Maruki’s interpretation of him? Would Ren ever get the pleasure of knowing if it was <em> really </em> him?</p>
<p>God, it fucked with his head so much.</p>
<p>So he likes to ignore it.</p>
<p>Instead, Ren tries to remember the good things. The comforting things. He likes to think about Akechi. He likes to think that trying not to completely understand him is the most understanding thing he can do. </p>
<p>He likes to think they’ll meet again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>it took me soooo long just to write this first chapter. will i write the rest? i SURE DO FUCKING HOPE SO. if you do want to see more of this, i really do recommend leaving a comment, it gives writers so much motivation. if you wanna scream at me on other social media, my twitter is @ 6spicy6satan6 ! same goes for tumblr. and Instagram. and almost everywhere. and yes this is based off buffkechi fanart im not sorry &lt;3<br/>btw the title of this fic is from ocean vuong in 'on earth we're briefly gorgeous: a novel'!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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